Sola’s Back, and In Need Of Anti-Depressants or Vicodin Like Dr. House


So, how many people hate me for being so absent lately? Definitely not a lot, because being relatively unknown means you don’t really have fans to disappoint. It’s one of the rare perks, I guess. Anyway, to those few that ARE disappointed, I offer my most sincere apologies. I just started med school, and let me tell you… It’s a bitch. I’ve had NO time whatsoever to do any writing of any sort, and no major adventures have happened yet, so… yeah.

But today is different, because I really need to get this out. It’s a semi-rant, of sorts. And I doubt that it’s going to be very funny. But, holding my words in is not as good a choice as, say, releasing them to a hoard of faceless strangers who can judge me for being me. Yeah, okay, so there’s something wrong with me if I WANT to subject myself to ridicule. But at least it’s not boring. I’m so tired of being bored.

Yes, I needed a Sherlock gif. Because he’s Sherlock, that’s why.

Moving on, let’s get to the point. College is… Hard. I’m not talking about the classes or anything, if you study for those, they’re more or less okay to deal with. Unfortunately, I still have no idea what the fuck is going on half the time.¬†The hard part is this: making friends.

I have never missed my buddies more than I do now. I mean, every day without seeing them just hurts so bad. I don’t know if that’s how they feel as well, but it’s what’s happening with me. Knowing the world and their reactions, I’m sure everyone will be like “Oh, it’s normal. You’ll get used to it. Just give it a month or two and you’ll forget all about them. You’ll make new friends.”

No, I fucking won’t.

Wanna know why?

I bet you do.

Of course you do.

I am a freaking outcast. The weirdo. Whose dad happens to own the place everyone is going to.

Was it just me or did everyone just give a giant collective “Ohhhhh….” because I definitely heard SOMETHING.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen – I am the equivalent of the boss’ kid at college. Now couple that with the fact that I have insane trust issues and most of my conversations are about whatever fictional guy I have fallen madly in love with. Yeah, I know. It’s not a good mix.

I know people might be wondering what the big deal is, but for those who know me, it’s as clear as day. I was bullied as a kid, yeah, and I managed to bounce back from that. But it took me ten years to make actual friends. I kid you not. And now they’re all scattered, and I don’t know when I’m going to see any of them again.

I was feeling a bit optimistic before, because I’d started writing a new post about a week ago about “The Fantastic Four”, because I met three REALLY awesome guys: Johnny, Ben and Reed. But I managed to screw that up, because that’s just me. I make a mess out of things. Seriously, ask Sheldon, Jay and Sam. It’s a part of my low self-esteem, maybe. I never can believe that something good can happen to me, even though I really don’t have the worst luck in the world.

Anyway, someone started a pretty stupid rumour that Johnny was only hanging out with me because of who my dad is, and I [like a complete idiot] believed them. So I talked to Ben, who told Johnny, and… Yeah. It all fell apart. Understandably, he got really upset, because it WAS pretty idiotic of me to believe a rumour. But the fact of the matter is that that rumour was something I was afraid of happening anyway, and I just freaked. He’s still angry, and so the whole thing is just awkward. So, I did the sensible thing and slunk away with my tail between my legs because it was just making everyone else uncomfortable.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m an awful person. The whole thing has kinda made me realise why my original plan was to just walk with my head down and stay out of sight. And also consume copious amounts of sweet stuff, painkillers and anti-depressants, because congratulations, Sola. You did it again. Welcome to the party of self-hatred. Today’s dress code is shame, and I see that you fit the criteria perfectly. I especially love the never-forgive-yourself boots. They’re so badass.

I’m still at the party and I’m the only one here. But do I learn my lesson? NO. Of course not. I’m stubborn. I will keep trying until my eyeballs start bleeding. even though that’s not a really pleasant prospect, is it? But I bet it’ll look really awesome. even if I don’t have any remaining vision to witness it.

What was my point again?

Oh, yeah. Me being incorrigible.

So, I’ve started a tentative friendship with this really pretty girl who I’m going to call Kitty, because Shadowcat is awesome. The name’s temporary, and I might change it once I get to know her better. IF I get to know her better. I’m a little hopeful because she’s nice to me, and we talk about random stuff, and we’ve exchanged secrets, and so far things are going okay. But i don’t know if we’re going to be super close, because half my problem is that I don’t really hang out with people much. I live at home, and they stay in the hostel, so obviously they’re making greater progress than I am. But I do have one factor in my favour.

While that is true, the fact still remains that for now, I am not sure exactly where I stand. I don’t know what people think about me, and I don’t really care. All I know is that this is going to be really difficult to deal with, even with my sister around, because she already has her own friend circle. The main point is that I desperately crave what I had in high school – that perfect blend of fun, laughter, some tears, playful teasing, serious advice, and even the drama. But I’m too afraid of getting hurt to even try to open up to someone.

I can’t help but feel like a social reject because everyone knows who I am by now, and that leaves me more vulnerable to “fake” people. I’m not saying that everyone who talks to me is only looking for an advantage, but there must be some of them who are. And I probably AM going to get hurt and make enemies. I try to be nice to people anyway, because I really don’t care about my so-called status. I mean, I’m not the freaking queen! I’m just a person. Just like everyone else, I’m just trying to fit in, while staying who I am.

It took me long enough to get to the point where I became comfortable enough with who I really am to actually be me around people, even if I weirded them out. I’m not about to lose that. But having someone to hold my hand and walk with me these five years would be nice. Because in the end, isn’t that what anyone wants? To be loved for who they are as opposed to what the world sees them as? even if it’s not, it’s what I want. And maybe I’ll be pushed away, and maybe I’ll break. But as long as I do the other thing I’m good at – and bounce back with a grin – I think I’ll be okay.

In all seriousness: I am a crazy, random, fandom-obsessed girl who has her dark days like everyone else. But I’m incredibly loyal, and good at keeping secrets and I usually don’t bore people. And I have cookies. Well, if you ask, I WILL have cookies. It takes a while to get to know me, but I expect you to tell me everything, even if I don’t do the same. Which is kind of annoying, I know. But don’t worry, I don’t share info. I can be neurotic and obsessive, but I give amazing hugs. I know so. I am an expert at living in denial, but if you ever have any problems, I’ll go to the ends of the earth to make things okay. And I really really REALLY need friends in the vicinity now.

Any takers?

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Survival


Author’s note: Yeah, this is pretty dark. It has mentions of suicide and a whole lot of disturbing shit. Read at your own risk.

 

‘The silence was oppressive.’

She couldn’t remember where she had read those words before. Some book, maybe. But until today she hadn’t known how true they were. In certain situations. Like the one she was in right now.

Her eyes were red-rimmed. She’d finally stopped crying and pulled herself to her feet, abandoning the solace of the tiled kitchen floor. She stretched, moving through the kitchen, crossing the sitting room and entering her bedroom. Then she turned around and retraced her steps. Exactly forty nine of them. She set up a rhythm, pacing back and forth. Sitting still was NOT an option. She had to DO something.

Continue reading Survival

Wings


Author’s Note: I know, I know. People have been demanding the next¬†instalment in my ‘Colours‘ series, but I’m going to be gone for a couple of days, so I decided to post this instead. Hopefully it’s good enough to keep my readers occupied for a while. ONWARDS!!

Auriel couldn’t help glancing at the cloaked figure seated patiently before her. Well, “glancing” was putting it mildly. She was outright staring. But then again, this was an extremely unusual situation. One could hardly blame her for being curious- she was, after all, relatively young as compared to others of her kind.

Auriel’s mind was racing, even as she sat as still as a statue, her pristine white wings neatly folded behind her. Her light brown hair hung loose, gently falling past her shoulders, her turquoise eyes fixed on the strangely calm captive, who remained seated on the floor in the corner of her prison, right where the two stone walls met. The other two sides of the cell were made of floor-to-ceiling bars.

Continue reading Wings

The Battle


The thunder crashed loudly around them, so loud that it seemed as though all the gods were bellowing out their rage. The rain fell in torrents, and every single man was soaked to the skin despite their protective armour. The citadel was under attack.

The war had been raging for almost three months and the entire army was spread out across the land. Only a handful of men remained to defend the capital. Water was gushing in through every orifice it could find, flooding the streets. A handful of enemy soldiers had managed to sneak in, and in the downpour, they were causing as much harm as they could.

Continue reading The Battle

I Have Decided To Take Over The World


Yesterday, I was talking to my best friend, Seal. And somehow, the topic swerved from Supernatural and my obsession with Sam Winchester (Which is TOTALLY justified, by the way.)

 

Who can say “No.” to that face?

 

When the topic suddenly veered in an entirely different direction, because I told Seal that he’d caught the bug. The me bug. Which meant he would want me to be his overlord and help me conquer the world.

Continue reading I Have Decided To Take Over The World

Gone


Today is a really strange day for me. Because I’m feeling strange. I know I AM strange, but today, I’m also feeling it.

And I just realised that I sound like I’m totally baked. I’m not, don’t worry. I don’t do drugs. I’m a good girl. I beat people up instead. But only when they’re REALLY annoying. Or if I’m bored.

Anyway, on to the nitty gritty. (I like using phrases that rhyme.)

Continue reading Gone

The End


Author’s Note: I haven’t written poetry in a while, and I’m afraid I may have lost my touch… I decided to bite the bullet and attempt this anyway. If it’s bad, I’ll try again. If it’s good, I’ll quite possibly break a bone from falling off my bed because I will quite unwisely be dancing on it. As a warning though… I don’t generally write happy poetry. It’s actually weird and dark and twisted. And it’s hard to make sense of. But… I understand it, so that’s good, right? Anyway, ONWARDS!

Shattered light drifts down,

Whispers in the air flutter high,

Abruptly shot to the ground.

Unquiet things wake and sigh.

From my vantage, I observe.

Unseen, unheard, silent, still.

Not a gesture, not a word.

A silhouette on the broken hill.

Where I dare to tread unbidden

Flames bloom vibrant red

I know the secrets of the hidden

I bear the grins of the dead.

My tears fall to the earth

Burning trails on stoney faces

Calling on the Shadow’s birth

Destruction of living races.

Songs of the shattered break out,

Staining the azure sky.

Bones snap, soldiers shout,

Drowning in their battle cry.

Eternally cycling from dust to ash.

Civilisations rise, fall, burn, blaze.

Come and go like a blinding flash,

Withering under my raging gaze.

For when all the wars are lost,

And all the battles won,

Who is there to measure the cost,

Of love and life- of everyone?

Only I am there to see the rusty dawn,

Of havoc and destruction.

The damaged, wounded trail drags on

Down the path of bloodlust’s seduction.

Because when the citadels fall,

And the cries become silent,

I’ll be there to remember it all.

The brave, the evil, the sad the violent.

Forever shall I claim my reign,

Of all the bitterly poisoned land.

My eyes are the only ones that remain.

A Burning Queen in a corpse’s land.

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Running


Author’s Note: It’s Saturday!! Which means that it’s story day. This is sort of a prequel to my other post: Colours. I liked the character too much to abandon her. So, here’s my second story!

Maybe this hadn’t been the wisest thing to do. She shivered, biting her lip as she walked, her eyes resolutely fixed to her fluorescent yellow converse. Her grey backpack was getting heavier by the second, and she was really tired of dragging her suitcase around. She was trying to be as unnoticeable as possible. She hoped it was working.

Continue reading Running